Fort Hood, TX — Career Army man Henton Staunch claims that recent protests in Hong Kong show how ‘libtard’ Americans don’t appreciate the liberties and freedoms he has fought so hard for. Staff Sergeant Staunch has been in the Army for over 12 years and has never seen combat as he leads the venerable dental hygienist program.
Over the weekend, Mr. Staunch got into a heated argument with a student at an area Starbucks. When 20-year-old college sophomore Heather Danty of Austin, TX reminded Staunch that he was a socialist government employee living off of the taxpayers, he lost his temper.
“Look, it’s in the Constitution you spoiled brat,” raged Sergeant Staunch. “Patriots like me are fighting for your freedom to criticize my fine dental work. An Army needs great teeth to march, as we say in our program. Perhaps you’d like to spend some time with the Chicoms [Chinese Communists] and get rolled [over] by a tank?”
Ms. Danty stood outside West Stan Schlueter Starbucks stunned for a few seconds following Sergeant Staunch’s rant.
Minding Her Own Business
“I was talking to my friend in line about the Portland protests, and this guy comes up to me and starts telling me I’m an ungrateful Antifa socialist,” said Ms. Danty clutching her Grande soy milk latte. “I noticed he was in the military, so I just told him that he works for the government. That he’s a government employee. Like a DMV worker with a rifle. I guess in this case, with dental equipment.”
As word of Sergeant Staunch’s tantrum reached social media, people broke into factions typical of today’s discourse. Some came to his defense, claiming that yes, the younger cohort is ungrateful for the privileges and freedoms they have.
Others came to Ms. Danty’s side on her Instagram account saying our over-bloated military has squandered resources bombing and killing people overseas, while we still don’t have universal health care at home.
Despite the backlash, Sergeant Staunch is not backing down.
“The military is not some socialist program like welfare or whatever. We get our paychecks from the people, not the government.”