Washington, D.C. — A recent study conducted by Drug Testing Giant Quest Diagnostics indicates that the rate of positive drug test results among the United States workforce is at a 12 year high, mostly thanks to an increase in cocaine, amphetamine, and marijuana usage. The study’s results track an alarming trend that highlights the continued need for vigilance for signs of usage in the workplace as well as Comprehensive Enabling programs which will supply workers with more drugs than they showed up to work with that day.
According to the Quest Diagnostics Drug Testing Index released May 17, 2017, overall positivity in urine drug testing among the combined U.S. Workforce (non-safety sensitive and safety-sensitive employees) in 2016 increased by five percent since 2015, representing the highest annual positivity rate since 2004 when El Chapo had thrown his wildly infamous party in La Tuna, the druglord’s hometown when he escaped federal narcotics agents on foot with 20 kilos of cocaine in a duffle bag labeled “This is baking soda” to which we now know was en route to the Land of The Free.
The study, which is conducted annually as of 1988, analyzed the test results of over 10 million workforce drug tests nationwide, but only included results from workers whose employers use Quest Diagnostics to perform their drug testing, so actual rates of positive results in employment-related testing on a national level may vary. Businesses who opt out of drug testing employees for sake of budgeting such as local small businesses, fast food franchisers, and day laborers from Temp Agencies while included in the study declined to release a statement.
The study examined positivity rates for testing in the general U.S. Workforce; the federally-mandated, safety-sensitive workforce which includes but not limited to pilots, bus and truck drivers, workers in nuclear power plants, YouTube streamers, sports teams mascots, FDA agents, underwater basket-weavers, and U.S. Border Patrol for whom certain federal agencies mandate routine drug testing.
With these recent discoveries -and America’s current presidential cabinet- The White House has released info on a new Social Welfare Program: Free Drugs For America. This turn of heart was quoted as being spurned by “lack of action by the bigly acclaimed Donald T himself within the first 100 days as Commander in Chief”. When prompted by the Press, Trump had this to say about the newly formed FDA;
“The eggheads in their laboratories have handed me this paper. Yes this paper right here. Now I know what we all want here. And as the best president in the history of the United States, Donald Trump will be the man to restore jobs to America. I’ll be bringing in the impoverished and unprivileged to the workforce tremendously good. I have a plan, and it’s the best plan. I don’t think anyone has ever had a plan like mine, a plan so good that only Donald Trump can make it happen.” He proceeded to get into his private jet destined for Mar-a-Lago without actually telling anyone what the plan was. Moments later the presidents’ lawyer’s lawyer’s lawyer released the new plan online in a private Tweet to the Associated Press.
Critics of this new program asked questions such as: “How will America meet the inebriated needs of its working class citizens?” And “Uhh are you sure this is a good idea?”
The GOP’s head media man Sean Spicer freely leaked confidential details concerning these talking points. To fill the required amount of recreational drugs for each citizen with a pay stub the entire world will have to chip in and donate from each country it’s share of uppers, downers, psychedelics, and dissociative research chemicals in order to not only “Make America Great Again”, but to also strengthen ties between the U.S. and nations that in the past have held contempt for America’s Drug Laws. According to The Press Secretary before attempting to leave his position at The White House podium, says that a bold move like this one will not only fill jobs left behind, it will repair relations with Mexico after that whole Wall thing, it will increase relations with Colombian drug lords, ISIS, Saudi Poppy field farmers, and meth cooks across the world simultaneously lowering the crime rate globally which is a big win for the Trump Presidency.
Knowing the gravity of this new development, Nevada County Gish Gallop reached out nationwide. Armed with our newly acquired stats and data and got some words from We the People in the U.S. Workforce. We asked many long and boring questions but the primary inquiry always was, “Do you use recreational drugs on the job and why?” The answers -to say the least- were startling:
Charles Darbus from Sandy Hook, CT -a forklift driver at a nearby false flag manufacturing plant in Newtown had this to say about drugs in the workforce, “Man, you with the cops?”
Once we assured him that we were probably higher than he was he finally opened up to us, “I work 80 hours a week. I would love to smoke my weed at home, but with my long hours and sub-standard pay I can’t afford that luxury! I forgot what color the carpet was, and that isn’t thanks to the dope.” We then asked why he works such long hours and he mumbled something about child support and “that [redacted] from New York.”
Tiffany Newjack from Bonner Springs, Kansas – a general manager at a famous fast food chain, and single mother of four children, one with special needs- had this to input, “Managing teenagers in a restaurant setting sounds more like babysitting, but when you have to cook a hundred cheeseburgers faster than you can say ‘I need a drink’ amphetamines are an easy solution. I have to work nights so I can take my kids to school during the daytime, thankfully the summer break is on right now and I have a babysitter at home for the season but I am pretty sure she is always on a good one too.”
While we interviewed a dozen or so people from different backgrounds, the most prominent answer came to us from a John Bloed down in San Diego, California who used to run rave and party promotions but has since moved into the more professional field of Marketing Strategies for Corporate Sales at [redacted].
“Drugs in the workplace are a natural by-product of stress and overbearing hours. In my old line of work we were expected to take drugs to ‘be on the same level’ as the people we were trying to connect with to get them to come to our Raves and desert shindigs. I learned that most people on the job with you really don’t mind as long as you can handle yourself. Except the drunks, they would always get fired after a week or two for losing the promo cards and hitting on all the girls instead of charming them into bringing all of their friends to get high and dressed up at our parties.”
We asked him for his opinion on what this “new FDA, Free Drugs for America” may mean to the U.S. Workforce by and large.
“If people were given drugs on the job? Wait, what? That’s a thing now? Well, honestly it will probably encourage people to join the job force and actually want to achieve more now that they have no fear of arrest or losing their children to social services over something like a joint or two a day, you feel me?”
When e-mailed about the “Free Drugs for America Welfare Benefits”, the current Food and Drug Administration replied with an auto-reply stating, “Thank you for your interest in USA’s newest solution for the American Economy. While we wish to answer all of your inquiries, at this time we are too busy with phone calls and e-mails from suppliers worldwide to fill the necessary requirements to ensure that every American has the right to get high and still make a legal and ample income to thrive in glorious United States of America. Thank you, and we will get back to you as soon as we are able. God bless.”