Fairfax, VA — Wayne LaPierre, CEO and Executive Vice President of the National Rifle Association, recently said that “you can have my guns when you pry them from my cold, dead hands tomorrow.” When we asked him what he meant by that, especially the ‘tomorrow’ part, he responded, “Are you serious? I always said if the shit gets too thick, I’ll resign. It’s gotten thick, man.”
We gave LaPierre a moment to collect himself. He emptied the bullets from his pistol as he stared at those present while openly weeping.
“I am resigning my position at the NRA effective immediately. I am sickened by the work I have done here,” he explained. LaPierre has been acting CEO and executive vice president of the NRA since 1991. He’s spun countless stories of innocent dead people into stories of American resilience, including such notable incidents as the Columbine shooting and the Sandy Hook massacre.
“Look, for too long I have come out here and told people that a bunch of dead kids is a good thing. I have to either stop doing that or put my guns to the use they’re likely headed for anyway. Putting a bullet through my wrinkly little head.” LaPierre continues, “I am just going to choose to stop acting like dead kids are something we need to embrace. I am going to open an orphanage. I think that’s a better use of my time than making murdered kids sound like a fundamental human right, and I may, finally, be able to sleep at night.”
LaPierre has steered the NRA ship through several national tragedies involving mass murder by firearms. He has always come out of these horrific ordeals smelling like roses, with his uncanny ability to make the horrible sound honorable and patriotic. According to LaPierre, the farce has gone on long enough.
“Once you get the hang of it, it’s an easy job. When the country is reeling from a mass shooting, you simply gather your wits about you and tell Americans that they are strong and more guns will stop more guns or some dumb logic like that. The idiots out there eat that crap up, especially those on the political right. Critical thinking is not their strong suit.”
LaPierre seemed confident that they could fill his now-vacant position with any old puppet, as the formula for being the face of the NRA is quite an easy one.
“The people we have to address already want to believe that more guns are the solution. The NRA just needs to find some dupe out there willing to present that lie confidently.”
LaPierre has some advice for the new head of the NRA, however.
“If you have any conscience, any soul at all, leave it at the door, if you can. If you can’t do that, boy let me tell you, you are not going to sleep well at night.”