Gish Gallop Salutes Our Heroes: Paul Horner Dead at 76

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Last known picture of Paul Horner taken sometime in July of 2017.
Last known picture of Paul Horner taken sometime in July of 2017.

Phoenix, AZ — Fake-news pioneer Paul Horner, whose hoaxes drew international attention on the Internet and during the 2016 presidential election, died in Phoenix on Sept. 18, officials confirmed. He was 76-ish.

Horner died after trying to box his bikini-clad hospice nurse just moments earlier. A ladies man, game slayer, and outlaw, Horner told his last inappropriate joke on Sunday, which cannot be printed here. Anyone else fighting ALS and stage 4 pancreatic cancer would have gone quietly into the night, but Horner was stark naked drinking Thunderbird in a house full of friends and family as Al Green played from the speakers. The way he died is just like he lived: he wrote his own rules, he fought authority and he paved his own way. And if you said he couldn’t do it, he would make sure he could.

He was a rare combination of someone who had a love of life and a firm understanding of what was important: the simplicity of living a life with those you love. Although he threw some of the most memorable parties during the last decade, he would trade it all for a night in front of the fire with his family in Phoenix. His acute awareness of the importance of a life lived with the ones you love over any material possession was only handicapped by his territorial attachment to the remote control of his Zune music player

Horner enjoyed cross-dressing, a well-made fire, and mashed potatoes with lots of butter. His regrets were few, but include eating a rotisserie hot dog from a unmemorable convenience store in the summer of 1996. He is perhaps best known for his efforts to arm the homeless with weaponized socks. Horner raised hundreds of thousands of dollars for his charity Sock It Forward.

Horner’s gregarious nature, mechanical genius, and general resourcefulness helped him succeed in his job as a fake news writer, comedian, real estate agent, car repair manual sales representative and business manager for Fappy, the Anti-Masturbation Dolphin, all of which helped him in his last and final career as a successful lecturer on the “European Parliament” circuit. He often brushed off his success, saying, “I’m just a glorified janitor, really.”

Cremation will take place at the family’s convenience and half of his ashes will be spread on the White House lawn as Paul would have wished, with the remaining ashes passed from family member to family member until no one can remember what’s in the jar.

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