Thrash Band Testament Kills John Boehner

House Speaker Rep. John Boehner (OH) was killed as a spontaneous
House Speaker Rep. John Boehner (OH) seen here seconds before his demise.

Washington D.C. – A secret meeting between prominent members of the GOP congress went awry today when House Speaker Rep. John Boehner (OH) was killed as a spontaneous “pit” formed in the House Majority Conference room in the northeastern wing of the US Capitol.

John Boehner has been Speaker of the United States House of Representatives since taking over the gavel from that lady Nancy Pelosi in 2011. He was to step down, both as Speaker and congressman, just in time to celebrate Halloween. With the extremely unfortunate crushing of his ‘pretty, gelled head’, and subsequent demise, Mr. Boehner will have no choice in the matter.

“We were trying to resolve a very contentious and delicate issue,” explains Rep. Paul Ryan (WI), “Boehner was going to leave the [House] Speaker position, no matter what we did. When majority leader Rep. Kevin McCarthy of California declined the nomination to replace him, things went kind of haywire for us Republicans.”

“The majority of the guys…and gals here, wanted me to take the post of Speaker,” continues Ryan, “I’m not that fucking stupid. Look at what happened to Boehner. Even when he did good things, we (the GOP) tried to kill him. Sadly, it looks as if we have finally done just that.”

The thrash band Testament was hired to play background music while the republican representatives worked out their differences to elect a new Speaker of the House.

Rep. Trey Gowdy seen here with his trademark Testament forehead tattoo.
Rep. Trey Gowdy seen here with his trademark “devotional” Testament forehead tattoo.

“We liked the name ‘Testament’,” explains Rep. Trey Gowdy (0), the congressman responsible for hiring the entertainment at the meeting, not to mention Benghazi, “we thought having the Lord’s influence as an ambiance would help us in our deliberations. I didn’t know that Testament’s music would make you start thrashing about like that.”

As Testament launched into their breakthrough hit, “Practice What You Preach,” many congressmen began stomping their feet and waving their elbows around in an aggressive manner. It was then, when tables were starting to be upended and walls were being smashed…as GOP representatives cut loose in a swirling mass, that Testament singer Chuck Billy egged the crowd on, yelling that the GOP crowd was “a well-dressed audience, and a decent pit.”

What happened to Boehner was pretty horrific, though, to hear witnesses tell it.

“There was already blood on the tablecloths by the time the band [Testament] had wrapped up their first piece,” remembers Rep. Marsha Blackburn (TN), “it had a religious theme, I think, but it seemed to bring the message of God across a little too strongly, Testament’s opening tune did. By the time they started strumming ‘Into the Pit’, I was pretty sure somebody was going to be hurt badly.”

Were they ever. As Rep. Jason Chaffetz (UT) told Gish Gallop by phone, “I think I probably knocked Boehner in the ribs once or twice as I passed him, I don’t remember. Stuff really got a little crazy somewhere along the way. All I know is that, as Testament wrapped up a killer version of ‘Souls of Black’, Gowdy climbed up off the floor, bleeding from the mouth and forehead, and announced to us all that the Speaker of the House, John Boehner, was dead. Look, it was a brutal, out-of-control pit, and Boehner just got in the way of the chaos.”

Testament’s bassist, Steve DiGiorgio, sums it up poetically, saying: “This is the first pit I have ever seen where everyone was wearing ties. You grab a tie and slam the guy’s head into the wall. I think that may have happened to the guy with the orange face one too many times. I’m just bummed that Lamb of God never got to play.”

Born November 17, 1949, Mr. Boehner was the 61st Speaker of the US House of Representatives.

He will be sorely missed, especially by those who hated him most.

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