Tom Brady Denies Football-induced Brain Injuries – Threatens to Sue Pancakes

0
Quarterback legend Tom Brady announced plans to sue pancakes for claiming there's a link between American football and brain injuries.
Quarterback legend Tom Brady announced plans to sue pancakes for claiming there’s a link between American football and brain injuries.

Boston, MA — Six-time Super Bowl champion Tom Brady denied that there’s any link between American Football and brain injuries. The New England Patriots quarterback made his comments during a speech the legend made at the Cambridge, Massachusetts-based The Family Knot, a Christian organization that seeks to put Jesus Christ back into the National Football League.

“Too often in life, something happens and we blame other people for us not being happy or satisfied or fulfilled,” said Mr. Brady during the Family Knot luncheon this past week. “So the point is, we all have choices, which is why I think this whole brain injury thing is bogus and why I’m announcing my intention to sue pancakes for this libel and slander.”

A recent study by The Journal of the American Medical Association or JAMA found that over 99% of donated brains from deceased NFL players showed signs of brain injury. In a convenience sample of 202 deceased players of American football from a brain donation program, chronic traumatic encephalopathy or CTE was diagnosed in 177 players across all levels of play, including 110 of 111 former National Football League players, or 99%, according to the findings.

“Those studies you hear about,” continued Mr. Brady, “well, they’re just trying to stop greatness. They’re fake news by the pancake industry to keep people like me and those who want to be like me from being number one.”



According to his attorney, Denny Ditcher of Boston’s Ditcher, Quick and Hyde, LLC, Mr. Brady has thought about legal action for a few years now.

“Everyone loves Tom Brady. He’s the ultimate American. Men want to be him and women want to marry him. Even President Trump admires his achievements. To that end, he has decided to sue the entire pancake industry to prevent their lies for watering-down America’s greatest sport.”

Details of the Lawsuit

According to a motion filed in New York’s Southern District Court, Brady is seeking unspecified damages for “the vast conspiracy” to “destroy American football” using the “insidious use of pancakes and pancake-like products.” The defendants listed in the lawsuit include The International House of Pancakes or IHOP, Denny’s restaurants for “trying to hide behind baseball with their grand slam breakfasts,” Krusteaz pancake mix makers and oddly, TV media personality Ryan Seacrest for no clear reason.

“Mr. Brady hates Ryan Seacrest and decided to include him in the lawsuit,” commented Mr. Ditcher.



Judge Frederick Michael Plant granted the filing and according to court officers, the case should go to trial early next year. He said that this was a particular case, but was granting an injunction pending a hearing given the stature of Mr. Brady.

If Brady is successful, according to Mr. Ditcher, the entire pancake industry will apologize to America for its misleading statements linking the NFL to player brain injury.

When reached, the Pancake Association of America (PAA) claimed the lawsuit was frivolous and vowed to use all of its resources to clear both its name and the name of its members. Denny’s declined comment.

avatar
  Subscribe  
Notify of