Fort Worth, TX — Despite conservative pushback and widespread anti-mask activism across the Sun Belt retailers in Texas, Arizona, and New Mexico are suddenly selling out of protective facial coverings as white, middle-aged Republican men report that dicks are secretly delicious after recovering from COVID-19 infections.
Early reports out of China and Italy suggested that patients coming down with the dreaded virus would temporarily lose their sense of taste — but no one could have predicted that survivors would learn to love to taste the rainbow.
Vice President Mike Pence could not immediately be reached for comment on his presumed plans to fund a public health remedy to the pandemic — now that it has demonstrated a capacity for reversing his good work on Gay Conversion Therapy–but a staffer in his office confided off-record that Pence would redouble his effort to combat the “biblical plague currently besetting our nation (sic).”
The exact mechanism by which otherwise healthy adults can be turned gay, or straight, remains elusive to actual scientists — but Pence and his allies in conservative media remain confident that a biological weapon from China is to blame. Epigeneticists have also raised concerns about the risk that children of COVID-19 survivors could also turn gay as a result of permanent mutations inflicted on a Christian parent’s DNA.
“This had better not awaken anything in me,” Pence reportedly told a young male intern after a particularly ecstatic sneeze took hold of his body just outside the Oval Office Sunday morning upon their return from services at the historic St. John’s Episcopal Church. The Vice President has since gone into seclusion with the Second Lady — who has sought to comfort him with show tunes.
“He’s just fighting off the gay, tooth, and nail,” podcast and UFC commentator Joe Rogan said about the Vice President during a recent episode of the Joe Rogan Experience.