Washington D.C. — In a shocking case of buyer’s remorse, President Trump is demanding a refund for expenses incurred during his campaign.
“I feel I was misled; this job is not what I thought it would be,” said the leader of the free world during an impromptu press conference today. “I spent billions on my campaign, and I won. I WON. Yet, I have no way to do the things I want to do, I wanted to ban dangerous Muslims from entering the country, and some judges stopped me, they tried to tell me I was wrong. ME. I WON. I’m the President, I’m never wrong. What do they know? I have the best brain, the biggest brain, I understand things better thanperhaps anyone. I won, and we have these Soros paid protesters all over the country, maybe the world, I don’t know. I WON. I’m winning, we’re winning, there is so much winning some people are already sick of it. People are calling me an illegitimate President, and I’m not, I only lost the popular vote because of the millions of illegals bussed in by the Democrats from Mexico, people are saying.”
Apparently under the impression the Constitution was a receipt, he began waving a copy around at his staff and rambling about greater and lesser equals and demanding reimbursement. According to multiple insiders, they were unable to calm him and efforts were exhausted.
“Frankly we’re tired, he never sleeps,” explained a White House staffer who requested anonymity, “and there’s just no stopping him once he’s latched onto something, just pay him the money so we can get some peace. Please.” One insider said. “he’s like a dog with a bone, we tried but there’s nothing we can do to distract him, we even called Ivanka but she was too upset with her abuse at the hands of Nordstrom to be of any use.”
Then, interrupting ABC News’ Jonathan Karl who had asked a question about Russian interference during the 2016 election, President Trump interjected.
“I want a refund, I don’t want to be the President,” said Mr. Trump to the shocked press corp. “I never thought I was going to be the President, and I do not like being the President. Congress can just cut me a check for one billion, because that’s what I spent, plus personal time lost, and other unimaginable damages. My lawyers will get back to them with receipts. I will continue my term to the end, but I don’t like it and all you people better start doing as I say, no more of this judges overturning my EOs! We’re launching the investigation into voter fraud and no turtle man is telling me he’s not funding it! I’m building the wall and someone, not me, is going to pay for it. I’m Making America Great again and all you people are getting in my way. As to the guy who does this next, I just have one thing to say ‘caviar emperor.'”
The White House official press release:
President Trump is fully committed to Making America Great Again, he feels the best way to accomplish those goals is a “good faith” gesture of a full reimbursement of personal funds spent during his unique, dynamic and winning campaign.