Washington, D.C. — While the wall on the Mexican border is anticipated by many to keep Americans safer, God Emperor Trump found out how perilous the wall can be for both people and Mexicans. Mr. Trump took a tour along the top of the wall with Minuteman Humpty “Skeeter” Dumpty to view incoming aliens from a freelance sniper’s point of view.
The Minutemen are an armed group of idiots who patrol the Mexican border in hopes of “catching or killing” undocumented immigrants.
“He was standing right up there,” points Mr. Dumpty at a point on the wall roughly 70 feet above the ground, “when somebody yelled something about there being a King on the wall. The President turned to receive the praise face to face and lost his footing. He landed right where this new crater is.”
Describing a sound he said sounded like “an egg cracking,” Mr. Dumpty expressed his doubts about Mr. Trump ever fully recovering.
“Boy howdy, let me how to tell you. He done broke up on impact like a fluorescent bulb shot with my .50 cal.” Skeeter paused to hold up his .50 caliber sniper rifle. “I don’t think he’ll ever be put together again.”
Citing a newly budgeted $730 billion dollars, Mr. Trump deployed all of his horses and all of his men to the hospital in Mesa where Obamacare was helpless to try to hurt him any further. The current President was hoping that by throwing all of Americans’ money at his scattered pieces, he might somehow be put back together again. And with that, hopefully his administration.
The Doctors Aren’t Hopeful
Surgeons are not optimistic, but they have expressed their satisfaction that in this brain-damaged state, Mr. Trump’s speeches will be no less coherent than usual.
“I’m not a political guy,” explains chief of surgery, Dr. Quincy, “but even with ¾ of his brain completely non-functioning, he still talks just like he always has. He’ll probably look like a broken egg for a few more decades, but his supporters probably won’t notice that his speech in the future will lack any content. In fact I fear that, worst case scenario, he will only be able to speak in self-aggrandizing phrases. We’ve seen this before with this type of brain damage and with sustained cocaine abuse.”
Mr. Trump will be put in an induced coma for a week-long surgery, giving Vice President Pence hopes of performing the duties of acting president during the time Mr. Trump will be unconscious.
“No such luck, Mikey,” said Trump, after his shock at Pence’s betrayal wore off, “I will be just as good as before, even while I’m in that coma.”