New York, NY — Today marked three days without some outlandish statement by Donald Trump. It appears we won’t see a fourth.
“The Democrats and the liberal media are gunning for me,” Trump shouted to a packed house of Jewish Defense League sympathizers at the Carnegie Deli. “I will not forget those who participate in this conspiracy. It’s horrible.”
A huge cheer exploded from the crowd.
“These liberal parasites think they can push me around,” growled the GOP nominee. “They better think again. I am keeping a list of these American traitors and I plan to jail them all in my first 100 days as president.”
The crowd cheered again and a woman in the front row unfurled a “Hillary for Prison” banner. Someone chucked a pastrami sandwich across the room and Trump’s face was drizzled with spicy brown mustard.
“I will be sending Crooked Hillary to prison,” laughed Trump as he wiped away the mustard facial. “I’m going after her and that shriveled up old weasel, Al Sharpton for tax evasion. That’s how we got Capone, that’s how we’ll get these mobsters too. No more special tax treatment for wealthy criminals. And the media, aren’t they the worst? I think we will put all of the liberals in FEMA camps in Iowa!”
The crowd got so fired up, the NYPD had to clear the deli after 5 people were injured by flying matzo balls. A JDL spokesman, Kared Jushner praised Mr. Trump for his fearless pursuit of the truth.