Washington D.C. — In a surprise move to some, but not others, President Trump secretly pardoned MAGAbomer Cesar Sayoc this afternoon after receiving pressure from various alt right and Republican groups. The ceremony, which was attended without the press and only a handful of Trump’s closest advisors, is seen by his base as a signal that he will not be bullied by “the Left Wing Media.”
“Accepting a pardon is an admission of guilt, so I’ve commuted any latent charges against this true American,” said Trump as he spun around in his chair to wink at White House advisor KellyAnne Conway. “What can I say but, ‘Bumper Stickers’, right folks? Talk about supporting the president and everything we stand for. The press is the enemy of the people. This patriot recognized that. Not with his violence, but with his words leading up to that.”
After the pardon was announced, there were swift reactions from the Democrat establishment.
“This is another example of the President abusing his power,” said an angry Senator Cory Booker (D-NJ) speaking to CNN immediately following the announcement. “This aggression towards the American people will not stand.”
Other Democrats, like House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi had a much more measured response.
“The president is perfectly within his right to grant this commutation and we have no intention of obstructing the normal course of Executive business,” Pelosi said. “We are focused on what the American people want, which is something we’re working on very diligently at this time.”
Senate Democrat Chuck Schumer was more pointed.
“Who do we think we are to judge this alleged suspect before he’s even had a proper hearing before a jury of his vicinage?” Said a restrained, but serious Schumer. “No, I oppose, with every fiber of my being, this president’s political views, but I believe the due courses of the separate branches of the government must remain unfettered by their coequal counterparts.”
When pressed by CNN’s congressional reporter Manu Raju, Paul Ryan refused to criticize the President’s decision to pardon Cesar Sayoc, but noted “that’s not how I would have handled this.” After which he scurried away into his chambers without taking anymore questions.
It’s unclear where Cesar Sayoc will move, since returning to his home state of Florida will not be an option. People close to the MAGAbomber said he’s considering a move to Modesto, CA.