Scranton, PA — The Centers for Disease Control or CDC announced that several Pennsylvania Trump rally attendees appear infected with a deadly strain of Dunning-Kruger Disease. The disease, named after Cornell University’s David Dunning and New York University’s Justin Kruger, has infected several thousand who attended the rally. All of which have been quarantined at a Luzerne County Community College for further review.
“It’s like they don’t know what they have,” said the CDC’s public health director Bethany Millbright, “although the symptoms are easily identifiable and similar to the enchantment one might see in a cult. All 42,420 rally attendees seem infected. They will be on a 14-day hold for further testing, which includes some basic business math problems and a series of tests to see if they can walk and blink at the same time.”
According to a memo released this afternoon by the CDC, Dunning-Kruger Disease is caused by the fatuityvirus and severely degrades cognitive abilities in those it impacts. The virus is one of the first to originate in the United States. Scientists suspect it first spread in Alabama, during the 2018 Senate race.
The disease was contained at the time but has since aggressively spread driven by false rumors on the Fox News channel, and by what sociologists call “massive, proto-fascist groupthink” at Trump rallies.
“It’s a problem,” continued Ms. Millbright. “Every single one them has this weird sense of superiority when they have difficultly finding the keyhole to start their car. The virus seems to cause an inability of its victims to recognize their lack of ability, which then causes it to spread to others at a rapid pace. We’re expecting the fatuityvirus to continue to spread aggressively up until November of this year.”
Although not all 42,420 rally participants are infected with fatuityvirus, the CDC maintains that they must be held for evaluation and, in some cases, some simple training in order not to be a danger to themselves or others.
“We understand that this is a trying time for these people and their families,” said CDC deputy director Constance Hopel speaking with the press outside what’s now being called the Luzerne County Community College containment area. “But it’s chaos in there. The patients are asking for guns and Chick-fil-A. And they’re demanding to speak with President Trump. And they’re calling this outbreak ‘fake news,’ so we have a long way to go before they can be released.”
When asked during an impromptu White House press conference about the fatuityvirus, President Trump maintained that it was indeed “fake news pushed by the Democrats to hurt Trump,” the President said, speaking of himself in the third person. He also noted that it was safe to go to work and attend his future rallies.