Washington D.C. —As the Amazon jungle burns at an alarming rate, destroying acres and acres of rainforest so you can eat that hamburger you’re holding right now, Brazilian President Bolsonaro hopes to level the whole forest without anybody noticing. However, a few people have picked up on the fact that “the lungs of the earth” are burning.

Since the Amazon rainforest provides us with about 6% of our oxygen, it did not take long for the population in the nearby area to start showing signs of oxygen deprivation, as well as lung cancer from the substantial amount of smoke in the air. 

When confronted by a reporter about the disastrous effects the fires were having on Brazilian Citizens, President Bolsanaro replied that he had not started those fires, and has no idea who did.

 “I have been doing my best to contain the blaze, but because the area had a dry year, the conditions are perfect for a fire, and it caught too fast. Of course, I have firefighters working on it, but I don’t want to put anybody in any unnecessary risk. As for the air quality, I recommend people buy air filters or surgical masks to reduce the amount of smoke they are inhaling and keep their lungs healthy.”

President Trump Jumps In

Though world leaders and news outlets have been ignoring the fires, cries of outrage caught wind on social media. After finally being forced to admit he had heard about the catastrophic fires burning across the Amazon rainforest, President Trump suggested via tweet that Bolsanaro should “just nuke them.”

When twitter user @thereality asked how that would help, a Trump supporter went on the attack.

 

“It would scatter the flames. There wouldn’t be as much of it in one place. The fire would be cooler and burn slower. It would be easier to contain.” Another user asked, “What about the radiation?” And another Trump follower replied, “[t]he radiation would help kill the fire. No living thing can be exposed to such high radiation and survive.” 

Smart People Respond

It took less than an hour for numerous scientists to respond, many replying that a nuclear bomb would make the fire even more dangerous, not to mention that the surrounding area would be irradiated, killing off thousands of species of plants and animals along with the populations of many cities.

 “Fire is a plasma. It is not a living thing,” tweeted Kathy Rigdon, a weather scientist at UC Berkeley. “Our president did not pay attention in science class.” 

 Trump’s supporters, however, had different ideas.

“Pure genius,” typed one user. A supporter for the conservative Christian Liberty University defended the president.

  “You have no clue of how atomic bombs work,” @MAGAbillie tweeted, “please stop berating our president for trying to help the situation in Africa.”

President Bolsanaro replied to the media that he does not intend to nuke the Amazon. However, he appreciates Trump’s input and support.

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Maribella Promijeniti
Maribella Promijeniti is a 73-year-old woman that lives with her cat colony high in the Andes Mountains of Peru. She creates her own electricity by riding her stationary bike, which means she can only be on the internet while riding said bike. This can make it incredibly difficult for her to get online in the winter, as her bike is outside. So, please don’t expect an immediate response from any text or email sent her direction. Though her life isn’t very exciting at the moment, Maribella has done some extraordinary things in the past, such as teaching yoga to aliens in area 51, house cleaning for a family of the illuminaughty, and carrying out assassinations for the CIA (that one guy on the street included). At one point, she was engaged to a man running for the presidency in Cuba, but he was, unfortunately, shot by a supporter of the opposing party (accidentally). After which, she vowed never to be engaged to a man running for president again (quite a hard thing to avoid in her position). You are more than welcome to treck up to her home if you are in the area, however, be aware that she grows many different types of plants in her garden and greenhouse, and, unless you do not fear mortal peril or the loss of limb and mind, do not taste a random plant without asking first what its properties are. She will be more than delighted to share her knowledge with you, however, if you spontaneously try any of the more dangerous or intoxicating ones, she may not be able to neutralize its effects.
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