Penn Valley, CA — The 92-year-old Nevada County Gish Gallop admitted today in a press release that it was 100% responsible for Hillary Clinton’s loss on November 8th. The esteemed paper went on to say that the civil unrest after the election was also due to strategic planning between the Penn Valley, CA-based newspaper and various clandestine forces such as the Russian Federation, Fox News political television personality Sean Hannity and people who incessantly quote Monty Python’s The Life of Brian.
“We’ve all heard the lies from the mainstream media,” said Nevada County Gish Gallop President Louis “Lou” LaPlante reading from the prepared statement, “that there was a record low turn out of young people; that the polls were wrong; that Hillary was so bad, that she couldn’t even figure out how to rig an election. Well, as it turns out, that was all fake news. I’m here to tell you today that Gish Gallop is single-handedly responsible for the downfall of the Clinton Empire through our aggressive coverage of Hillary and her campaign. We make no apologies for this.”
According to sources close to Gish Gallop, the upstart paper’s over 150 articles carefully documenting the Clinton’s activities where carefully coordinated with the Trump for President campaign and the Kremlin with the sole purpose of destabilizing the United States and causing much butt-hurt on social media platforms like Facebook.
“Well it seems obvious in hindsight,” said University of Chicago’s Professor James Badwater speaking from his Badwater Institute of Social Policy. “I mean, look at what this small little publication has been able to do. They took down one of the great political dynasties in the past 100 years. Now you have all these mainstream media companies trying to cover their positions after publishing story after story which turned out to be fake. And now they’re crying foul. Well, a skunk smells its own stink first.”
Adding to Professor Badwater’s observations, several television anchors spoke out about the true nature of Trump’s victory.
“Look,” said CNN’s Brian Stelter speaking about the scourges of political satire on his Saturday broadcast, “the media gave trump over a billion dollars of free airtime and we allowed his surrogates to say whatever they wanted on TV, unchallenged by facts. So the media is responsible for this, not some not piddly-ant rags like this Gish Gallop thing. Sure, people are dumb, but let’s get real folks, we did it and we made a lot of money doing it.”
The Trump campaign denied that Gish Gallop, nor Monty Python films had anything to do with his historic victory, nor offered any additional comment presumably because the transition team is currently on the verge of murdering each other.