Trump Vows War Against Numbers

“We use these Arabic numerals for almost everything”, Trump continued, “it makes our country look like a joke.”

Washington, D.C. —  Presidential Donald Trump unveiled his most audacious plan yet at a rally Wednesday night, vowing to wage war on the numbers 0-9.

“These are Muslim terrorist numbers and we’ve taken them into our country, our homes,” Trump said, “I will use all our military capabilities to end that.”

“We use these Arabic numerals for almost everything”, Trump continued, “it makes our country look like a joke.”

Trump did not provide further information on how military action could eliminate numbers or what system would be used in their place. For the remaining ninety minutes of his speech he repeated the phrase “these numbers are terrorists” for the fervent crowd of supporters.

The announcement reportedly took Trump’s own campaign by surprise.

“The plan was to stick with the core message tonight,” a Trump campaign staffer told Gish Gallop, “you know, his normal type of bigotry that resonates with voters.”

Trump has a history of frustration with numbers. In the past, he has faced accusations of exaggerating attendance figures at his rallies as well as inflating estimates of his personal net worth.

Numbers disputes were seemingly on Trump’s mind leading up to the rally. Minutes before taking the stage he reportedly performed an Internet search for “what are numbers anyways?” Upon learning that the Hindu-Arabic numeral system originated in India and Persia he became irate.

This morning Trump extended his favorability rating in the in polls by 12%.