San Francisco, CA — For the 4th time in the past year, social media giant Twitter has blocked popular southern California comedian James Schlarmann, choosing to side with the escalating “tweetstorms” of America’s Commander-in-Chief. Over the past month, the tone of President Trump tweets has raised concerns with lawmakers on both sides of the aisle, with Senator Bob Corker of Tennessee going so far as to suggest that Mr. Trump was leading us into World War III.
According to Twitter spokesperson Bethany Millbright, there are many factors the company considers when it bans a user, and when it comes to Mr. Schlarmann, his use of vulgar language directed at the United States’ highest election official violated their terms of service. However moving Earth to the brink of thermonuclear war, does not.
“It’s important to us that our users have a great experience each time they use Twitter,” said Ms. Millbright in an early morning press conference discussing what’s now being referred to as ‘The Schlarmann Incident’, “but calling the President ‘a daft orange twat’ and constant references to him having frequent sexual relations with his daughter, are not good for our users nor the Twitter brand. However, I have to say that Mr. Trump’s apocalyptic rhetoric is great for business. In fact, the closer he brings us to a global nuclear war, the more profitable Twitter will be.”
Of course, not everyone thinks Twitter’s business practices are smart. Many, including University of Chicago’s Professor James Badwater, maintain that Twitter would be partially responsible if war were to break out with other nations.
“It doesn’t take too many smarts to see how awful and cynical Twitter is here,” said the Professor speaking from his Badwater Institute of Public Policy. “They are choosing the destruction of the planet over banning President Trump, who is clearly in violation of their Terms of Service. They are allowing him to use their platform to provoke and attack others. If they can keep Trump, they can keep this Schlarmann character. But they won’t, because reminds people of how unstable he is, and business doesn’t like uncertainty.”
Mr. Schlarmann is the operator of the satirical website the PoliticalGarbageChute.com and the newly formed and less satirical site called AlternativelyFacts.com, both of which have millions of visitors each month. With headlines like Pence Clarifies: “I Said I Hope All The Gays Are Well-Hung” and Tillerson Declines Trump’s IQ Test, Proposes Third Grade Spelling Bee Instead, it’s easy to see why Trump and his supporters would not find favor in Schlarmann brand of humor, if they can actually read above the 8th grade level, but Twitter operates in an alternative, morally relative universe of corporate twat-dom, choosing the bloviating of a second-rate tyrant with a finger on the nuclear button, over anything that criticizes him.
It’s unclear if Mr. Schlarmann plans on starting the 5th version of his Twitter presence any time soon.