Rio De Janeiro, Brazil – Team USA has been a huge winner at this year’s Olympic Games, garnering over 271 medals with over 81 of those being gold medals, but it wasn’t all fun and games for the finest US Olympic team when it came to getting back to the hotel after their spectacular gold medal win. The multiple medal winning United States men’s synchronized swimming team was shouted at, demeaned, triggered and robbed when they stopped off in a ghetto to get some gas and a chew toy for Michael Phelps.
“It was terrible,” explained Ryan Lochte, forward choreographer for the sync-and-swim, as the male US synchronized swimming team likes to be called, “we had a wonderful night. Phelps’ legs wrapped around mine in perfect time, and my nose-plugs stayed in place throughout our performance. As I stood proudly and received my medal, I knew I was on top of the world, but…”
We understand that, but can you tell us more about the robbery? We’ve been told that there were up to 8 or 9 gunmen? Is that correct?
“I put these hot cups on my skin,” interrupted Michael Phelps, “they make me go faster. And I make mean faces.”
Is there anything we should know about tonight’s armed robbery of the US Olympic men’s synchronized swimming team?
“Yes, it’s that we’re not gay,” explained Olympic male synchronized swimming coach, Fabian (Fab) Johnson, “we have the hardest working team of elite athletes in the world on this team. Michael Phelps may well be the most decorated veteran in the world, and now he’s twirling for us.”
Michael Phelps did quit chewing on a towel long enough to speak to Gish Gallop via Skype.
“They pointed their guns at me and the other guys and had really convincing angry faces on them,” Phelps and Lochte said simultaneously, “one guy even yelled and ripped a sign off the wall of the ghetto-ass liquor store we were at. Oh, and one of the robber guys pissed in a plant right by our bus.”
“It was pretty damn scary,” Lochte and Phelps said in unison. “What’s really a bummer,” elaborated Phelps, “for the newer guys on the team – I call them the ‘apprenti’ – what’s really shitty is the robbers holding us at gunpoint, they fished through our shit while they stole it. They threw all the bronze medals back at us, kept all the gold and silver. They didn’t even frisk the bus driver.”
Michael Phelps and Lyan Lochte won the gold and silver respectively for solo synchronized water dancing. The team won a gold for best choreography and another for greatest contact synchronicity. Swimmers Connor Jaeger and Nathan Adrian also lost a lot of stuff during the robbery, but they got their medals back. Phelps got his 27 new gold medals and a half ounce of weed stolen. Lochte is also reporting that his credibility was “menacingly” stolen.