Wellington, New Zealand/Washington, DC. — After recent discoveries of natural gas and oil deposits in the tiny island-country, President Obama via Executive Order immediately declared war on New Zealand.
“Let me be clear,” proclaimed President Obama from the Oval Office, “we can’t allow this culturally rich island-nation to just sit out there unprotected, just waiting for our terrorist enemies to invade and interfere with our national interests. Therefore, I am instructing our military to start a strategic bombing campaign to convince the Wellington Government that it is in their best interests to prevent such a terrorist takeover.”
As of 2008, New Zealand produces approximately 47% of all the oil and natural gas it needs for energy production. The small country off the eastern flank of Australia is known as one of the most stable and well-governed nations on Earth, with the highest level of government transparency in the world. It also became famous for being one of the first countries to declare itself “nuclear-free.” The puzzling war announcement from the United States seems odd, as New Zealand has been producing oil and natural gas since 1865.
Of course the action had wide, bi-partisan support from Congress, leading House Speaker Paul Ryan to issue rare praise for Obama’s “tough guy” posturing with the small, South Pacific country.
“This is one of the first things President Obama has gotten right,” said House of Representative Speaker Paul Ryan. “He sure screwed up this immigration thing that we’ve been working on for four years with his ‘kingly’ decree this week. This is the kind of executive action a Republican House can get behind.”
The government believes that the American public will support such action in the normally peaceful and quiet southern hemisphere country for a number of reasons in spite of the fact that it’s not America and that, in the words of a local Obama supporter, it’s “far enough away for Americans not to give a fuck.”
“I mean, who gives a fuck?” questioned Rhode Island Street resident Lee Corneys. “It’s far away and no one gives a shit about that place anyway. Maybe they’ll build a Marriott there so I can finally use my rewards points in some place other than that shit-hole Reno. Besides, with all these smart bombs and drones, we’re just gonna be taking out a few sheeps and shit.”
The ambassador from New Zealand had no comment, but insiders say the Kiwi government is very concerned about this recent development.