USDA Publishes Radio Wave Nutritional Information

The USDA published nutritional guidelines for cell phone radiation.
The USDA published nutritional guidelines for cell phone radiation.

Washington, D.C. — The United States Department of Agriculture (USDA) working with the Palo Alto-based Rundex Family Foundation has released new nutritional guidelines for electromagnetic radiation or EMRs. The four-year study, conducted by Rundex and funded by an Obama-era 3.4 million dollar grant to determine the health benefits of mobile device radio waves, concluded that this form of non-ionizing radiation is not only not harmful, but have some nutritional benefits as well.

“Look,” said head researcher Robert Colvin speaking from his home office in Mountain View, CA, “the data doesn’t lie. We weren’t expecting to see anything from the data frankly, but what we found was remarkable.”

According to the 420 page study published earlier this week, radio waves in the mobile phones which operate from the low 900 MHz (Mega Hertz) to 30 GHz (Giga Hertz) ranges for new 5G devices are helpful in boosting iron levels and something called “aluminum-barium blood elasticity,” which the authors claim is newly discovered antioxidant which improves liver function. They also found, which was confirmed in an earlier study, that these types of radio waves help stimulate “colorful” dreams.

“Yeah that’s the thing,” continued Mr. Colvin, “there seem to be health benefits for cell phone radiation. At first, when we saw the Gantt chart irregularities, we thought ‘there must be a data anomaly here.’ But there’s not. In fact, the USDA is preparing guidelines for people with low iron levels with sleep disorders. It’s really amazing.”

According to the USDA, the government organization doesn’t plan on labeling cell phones and transmission towers with placards similar to the nutritional information consumers find on packaged food and shame-based fast food menus, but they’re not ruling it out in the future.

“One of the lessons we learned in the Obama era was not to over do it,” said current USDA spokesperson Bethany Millbright. “For example, our attempts to restructure carbohydrate food labels with Coca-Cola units was an unfortunate failure. So we’re not requiring telecom providers and cell phone manufacturers to label their equipment, but we haven’t ruled it out either.”

Ms. Millbright expects the support of President Trump who has also expressed a willingness to label vaccines with similar information.

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