New York, NY — A group of wall street hedge fund managers recently appeared on CNBC to announce that they adamantly support allowing other people to die to maintain their status quo. The fraternal group formed in 1958, who calls themselves the Randists, advocate for capital markets over anything else.

The group recently shot into the headlines after both President Trump and Texas Lieutenant Governor Dan Patrick suggested that people would be willing to die to protect the American Economy. Randist leader Calvin Goldwater (40), who manages the $420 billion hedge fund Pine Crescent Trusts, came to the Trump and Patrick’s defense this week advocating for the deaths of millions of United States workers.

“Look, we have to preserve the American way of life for future generations,” Mr. Goldwater said on CNBC’s investment show Fuck You, I’m Rich. “We can’t let the workers control things. They don’t know what they’re doing. It’s people like me and the fellow Randists who know how things work, not these undisciplined rabbles who don’t want to work. We know what’s best for them, and if that happens to be a death from asphyxiation, then America is the better for it.”

According to Mr. Goldwater, he says the economy can afford to lose somewhere between three to four million “moochers” before it forces wages to rise due to a labor shortage.


“Look,” continued Goldwater, “we don’t want a Black Death situation here. Losing too many of these slackers would put too much power in their boorish hands. All we’re saying is that we need to preserve American capitalism, and we can afford to take a hit with a few underproductive people. That’s all Trump is saying.”

According to capitalists and other assholes, the United States economy just can’t afford to pay for its poor as other countries do. So, according to the Randists and other shitstains like them, they have to go. Calvin Goldwater says his solution is the most desirable.

“Sometimes, the simplest option is the best. What do you suppose we do with these people? Give them healthcare and a living wage? You have to be kidding me. That’s hardly going to pay my investors dividends. I mean, where are we going to find the money for bombs, missiles, tanks–you name it–if we have to provide for all these people? Not from my funds, I tell you.”