Geneva, Switzerland — The World Health Organization announced that its recent adrenochrome palliative treatment would not be available to the United States after President Trump decided to leave the international group. This decision is particularly concerning because this therapy, which was developed in tandem with the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation and the George Soros Consortium For Democracy, was funded mostly with US government money.
“This is a decision that we didn’t take lightly,” said WHO director of communications Leah Vingigenhiem speaking about the announcement. “As the United States has chosen not to stay with the WHO, we are directing our solutions and resources towards our member nations.”
According to lead scientist Bertold Beckenhemier, the adrenochrome palliative treatment or APT has been in development since the early 2000s when the WHO and several Eastern European countries banded together to develop a cure for the SARS virus. Although their early efforts were unsuccessful, and some would say a waste of time, Dr. Beckenhemier persisted, briefly and oddly making APT a “secret ingredient” in a 2012 now-failed Russian soda pop.
“The study has been going on for over decade now,” said Mr. Beckenhemier via a Zoom chat session. “It involved over 42,000 test child subjects who had the strongest antibody reaction to various SARS-like viruses. This unique response stimulated rapid adrenochrome production, which we collected for this palliative treatment. So far, we’ve been able to treat close to 27,000 people in Russia and parts of China.”
The Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation had no comment, but a spokesperson for George Soros Consortium For Democracy said that the United States should have nothing to worry about.
“If you’re wearing a mask, you should be fine,” commented Dr. Hans Wilhelm König. “There are people in the United States who believe in basic science and should be fine if they follow the guidelines. For those who don’t? How do the Americans like say? Thoughts and prayers.”