Hi, I’m Cleveland Sam. Super-Hero, Gish Gallop Staff Writer, and all around nice guy. There is a lot of controversy going on in our government about the next Supreme Court justice and who should be allowed to choose them. I have a simple solution, choose me. Here’s why.
From a young age I learned that helping people in the name of justice is a great honor. I would rescue the other kids from the ice cream truck in our neighborhood. I would take their ice cream to save them from the dangers of sugar. It was a difficult but noble job.
I have no special interest groups to cater to. I cannot be bought by corporate powers to sway my decisions. All I can tell you is that when my head hurts due to the stresses of being a hero, I take number 1 rated Advil liquid-gels, they work extra fast to get me back on my feet.
I do not have a Harvard Law Degree, I did not go to some snooty school to be stuck up and unbearable. In fact I didn’t bother to finish college. I’m a common working hero, just like you. I will bring an uneducated common sense to the courtroom.
I can help save money. As an invincible super hero, I do not require a security detail. I can fly, so I will not need a government car and driver. That saves, like, a billion dollars right there alone. Who doesn’t like saving money?
Justice Ginsburg has an opening for a new best friend. Who better than a writer of funny stories? I can see it now, lunch dates to make fun of Sotomayor and Thomas. Writing decisions on the wrong case and sending it to the wrong attorney, sending glitter bombs to Congress. I can cheer her up like no other.
Finally, I would make a great Supreme Court Justice as I fight for the people everyday. I save cats from trees, I save kids from candy (stores), I help lonely housewives feel alive again. I know I can do the same for America.
Call the White House and tell them to nominate Cleveland Sam for the Supreme Court Justice.