Thornton, CO — Senior citizen and 30-year neighborhood watch member Gabbie Herschberger, who also happens to be the sole survivor and witness to a mass shooting, has refused to identify the suspected shooter as he stood before her during a police lineup. Her cooperation was needed to detain suspected mass shooter Shad Templeton after he went on his terrible rampage.
Stating that she supported the “No Notoriety Act”, a proposition that requests people not speak the name of mass murderers, Gabbie added that she’d like to “keep the information from everyone for the good of the people.”
“I’m just tired of these mass shooters,” Gabbie lamented to reporters as she blocked the back entrance to the news van, impeding crew from loading their equipment. “And the only way to get rid of ’em is to start ignorin’ ’em.”
Gabbie decided it would be best (and get the most news exposure) if she decided to enact her new philosophical leanings during the police lineup in which she was needed to identify the mass shooter. Local authorities were hoping to receive her full cooperation, but instead Shad Templeton was free to leave after Gabbie Herschberger refused to give him the attention that she suspected he felt he deserved.
“All I want is blood,” Shad Templeton was reported to have said after leaving the stunned silent precinct.
Local authorities are confident that Shad Templeton will slip up again, “and hopefully then,” detective John McDonohue went on record saying, “he’ll spare a more cooperative witness. One who is a little less set in her recently adopted, knee-jerk beliefs.”
Other conservative entities are strongly discouraging news sources from covering events such as these. A roiling debate has erupted over how many times to utter the name of suspected mass shooters. “If you say his name five times,” Gabbie yells after being chided by an unpaid intern, “he’ll kill ya in the bathroom, simple as that. But If we ignore him, he’ll go away, Dutch door.”
Showing pictures of the mass shooter also has differing effects on witnesses which in many cases leaves them in a frightened state, which affects their ability to successfully identify a suspected shooter in a lineup. “The best way to make sure nobody finds out the mass shooter’s identity is to hire mobsters to dispose of the body just like in the picture shows,” Gabbie Herschberger said to nobody in particular.
Member of the shrinking intelligentsia of the area, Dominico Spinozetti argued as he stood nearby, “if we deny what happened, we end up cheating ourselves out of the hard debates and the discussions that should always occur following such horrible violence.” Spinozetti was then reported to have wandered off into a sketchy nearby alleyway, an area known for drug distribution.