Wolf Blitzer Diagnosed With Dementia

The esteemed CNN broadcaster is hiding a secret.
The esteemed CNN broadcaster is hiding a secret.

Washington, DC — For the last few years there have been murmurings around CNN that something just wasn’t right with Wolf. Now the cat is out of the bag and Wolf is chasing it around the parking lot.

“I really should have known there was something seriously wrong when I caught him in the linen closet with a flashlight and what he said were nude photos of Ana Navarro,” his wife, Lynn Greenfield told Gish Gallop. It turns out the nude photos were of Antonio Sabato Jr. I just figured he was trying to find himself like other showbiz types do.”

“A few days later, I really began to notice some strange changes in Wolf’s behavior,” Lynn sobbed. “We love the zoo. On our last trip to the zoo, Wolfie was doing interviews with the animals about the upcoming election. It was kind of funny at first. Then he got into an argument with a giraffe who stole the lolly he was using as a microphone. He called the giraffe a “damned socialist” for stealing his lolly and we were asked to leave.”

“I finally had to take him to the doctor after he started a huge fracas at the hospital when our new grandchild was born,” wept Lynn. “He kept insisting that the baby should be in the music business and be named D.J. Trump. The entire family was speechless. At least now we know that poor Wolfie is mentally ill, and not a Trump supporter, not that those two are mutually exclusive.”

Time Warner, Turner Broadcasting, and CNN have no plans to scrap their longtime reporter just yet. Jeff Bewkes, CEO of CNN parent, Time Warner told Gish Gallop, “Our audience is about as sharp as a bag of axe handles. When Wolf tells them some outlandish story about a stampede of Africanized killer cattle in Texas that has claimed thousands of lives, people are going to be tuning in. That’s the bottom line.”

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